Eating tau fu fa now. after bathing, i wrote this post.
The pictures are reminding me something that make my heart wrenches.
I am like constantly needing other’s approvement or what.
When I see my friend’s describing her best friend in the blog, I whisper to myself, why that person is not me. Why everyone seem very popular and treating their friends so good while it never occurs to me. Speaking of personality, it’s already a big leap of difference.
Comparison.
Why everyone so like to compare? It’s where all the miserable arises.
Comparison left aside.
We talk about ourselves. I mean myself. Speaking about personalities, my sister and I are very different. She as everybody knows is a warm, lively and positive person. She treats everyone nicely. Mine. I am cold, easily get angry and always negative person. I don’t know why like this. I want to change myself because I hate that living without friends and family that love you. Yup, my sister liked by everyone. To imitate her, I ask what are the values within her that make her so popular and easily approached.
That is the moment I try to overcome my shortcomings. I try to appear as bright and lively person. But, that’s just not me. I fucking hate myself acting like somebody else. Cuz it’s nauseating. I try to be more moderate. Sometimes when it suppose to be a happy occasion, I will magnify my happiness to make me easier to become a positive person, a smile is a must, when it is normal occasion, I will act normal. Nobody will ever know what am I thinking at the moment.
Suddenly, I hope my change will give me rewards. And when the reward is not given, my heart sinks and I start to think I am doing not good enough, I am too stupid and everybody does not love meeeeeeeeee……………….you must be thinking all these words must be come out from a person who suffer mental illness or imbalanced. This is why I hate the word ‘imbalanced’, the word that describes me accurately. And, I truly scare that I am not loved and abandoned. The rewards are everybody approach me, take initiative to talk with me, think that I am a great person, I have a lot of friends, they all treat me like their best friend and blablabla. Sometimes, I am doing which I think enough for a person to approach me already, yet the person still does not come up to me. Then, I feel really really upset. Well, it’s unfair. somebody has that kind of face that they don’t have to do anything but all people come up to him or her. It’s so easy for them but it’s so difficult for me. So, am i indulging in self-pity now? I don’t like that. My father said, ‘treating friends cannot be too stingy or being too calculative, we should be generous.’ Every word engraves in my heart. Every word stays so vividly in my mind. Every word makes my heart wrench.
I guess I shouldn’t be so focus on the personality that was already with me. Since I can’t change my personality, I think at least I can change the way treating a friend or people. When I finally met the person that can accept me without judging my personality wholeheartedly, that’s when I lay my eyes on him.
I love those people who accept me without judging me!!!!!! I need these kind of people surrounds me. Or, I am the one who judge people critically. I AM NOT!
p/s: I need more time to recover. And, ACT and NOCO these two brothers like cannot help me this time. I think have to count on on my own antibodies otherwise. *sneeze
