I never have such feelings before

I am super duper ambivalent.

I had a chat with a long-lost friend through msn. We were best friend in standard six. How many years we didn’t see for each other? I couldn’t say I miss her because it was so long so long already. Few years after she left to continue her study in Sabah, we still sent letters and photos to each other.

At first, I thought I couldn’t live without her, living without best friend is so lonely. But, her leaving probably left some good impacts to me. I used to stick to her only everyday and did not make friends with others. Then, I started to meet new friends and she slowly began to disappear from my life.

In my heart, I still take her as my very very best friend. As for her, I really don’t know.

In her letter, she told me she had good life over there and enjoyed her life pretty much. She seem like very busy because she was a very hardworking girl and she scored the highest in her class. yay, I can guess how busy was that ….The letter I received was also a photocopy from photostat machine because she had to reply to some of the friends in my class too. I understood her ‘busyness’ although I felt a little sad. However, she sent me a card that she made herself to me on my birthday. I was so happy. I tried to reciprocate. I also made the birthday card myself and sent it to her. Since then, I never received any letters again. I did sent some cards to her like during christmas and other festive seasons. There was no more reply. I guess I coudn’t ask too much from her already.

 That’s all. Our relationship once labeled as ‘best friend’ was a past tense and it never came back or rekindled. Sometimes I have a lot of things I want to tell her, but after I typing all the bla bla- boring-routines-stupid-things, I deleted them all. I just greeted her ‘wish everything is fine over there and all the best’ like a stranger or some people I rarely know. I still undecisive about want her to inform me if she happens to come back to muar. Then, I think again. Yea… I am asking for too much. That’s the end. That’s all, all we can do is only greeted each other, nothing deep topics or conversations any more. She have her friends and I have my own friends. Well, I could not do anything about this. It’s not like I have the ability but I don’t use that and let the things flow like that. We move on and live our life separately. And it’s time for me to let go, let go. Yup, the only thing I could do is let go.

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she is the one in orange coloured t-shirt.

 

That’s life, isn’t it?

Somebody said i am easily imbalanced

Eating tau fu fa now. after bathing, i wrote this post.

The pictures are reminding me something that make my heart wrenches.

I am like constantly needing other’s approvement or what.

When I see my friend’s describing her best friend in the blog, I whisper to myself, why that person is not me. Why everyone  seem very popular and treating their friends so good while it never occurs to me. Speaking of personality, it’s already a big leap of difference.

Comparison.

Why everyone so like to compare? It’s where all the miserable arises.

Comparison left aside.

We talk about ourselves. I mean myself. Speaking about personalities, my sister and I are very different. She as everybody knows is a warm, lively and positive person. She treats everyone nicely. Mine. I am cold, easily get angry and always negative person. I don’t know why like this. I want to change myself because I hate that living without friends and family that love you. Yup, my sister liked by everyone. To imitate her, I ask what are the values within her that  make her so popular and easily approached.

That is the moment I try to overcome my shortcomings. I try to appear as bright and lively person. But, that’s just not me. I fucking hate myself acting like somebody else. Cuz it’s nauseating. I try to be more moderate. Sometimes when it suppose to be a happy occasion, I will magnify my happiness to make me easier to become a positive person, a smile is a must, when it is normal occasion, I will act normal. Nobody will ever know what am I thinking at the moment.

Suddenly, I hope my change will give me rewards. And when the reward is not given, my heart sinks and I start to think I am doing not good enough, I am too stupid and everybody does not love meeeeeeeeee……………….you must be thinking all these words must be come out from a person who suffer mental illness or imbalanced. This is why I hate the word ‘imbalanced’, the word that describes me accurately. And, I truly scare that I am not loved and abandoned. The rewards are everybody approach me, take initiative to talk with me, think that I am a great person, I have a lot of friends, they all treat me like their best friend and blablabla. Sometimes, I am doing which I think enough for a person to approach me already, yet the person still does not come up to me. Then, I feel really really upset. Well, it’s unfair. somebody has that kind of face that they don’t have to do anything but all people come up to him or her. It’s so easy for them but it’s so difficult for me. So, am i indulging in self-pity now? I don’t like that. My father said, ‘treating friends cannot be too stingy or being too calculative, we should be generous.’ Every word engraves in my heart. Every word stays so vividly in my mind. Every word makes my heart wrench.

I guess I shouldn’t be so focus on the personality that was already with me. Since I can’t change my personality, I think at least I can change the way treating a friend or people. When I finally met the person that can accept me without judging my personality wholeheartedly, that’s when I lay my eyes on him.

I love those people who accept me without judging me!!!!!! I need these kind of people surrounds me.  Or, I am the one who judge people critically. I AM NOT!

p/s: I need more time to recover. And, ACT and NOCO these two brothers like cannot help me this time. I think have to count on on my own antibodies otherwise.  *sneeze

Chinese New Year is coming soon!

I am excited about the coming chinese new year. Why festival can make someone so happy? haha.. It’s gonna be eat and play. I’d love that. I wouldn’t mind if you call me lazy bug. Who says the dongdongchiang song is lame? I think that’s very special about new year song. The songs are played continuosly in the radio, shopping centre and every shop including the hawker centre. Bear in mind. Only in MALAYSIA. Even China or Taiwan does not play the songs so often like M’sia. And, they spread happiness, do they?  I mean good and nice CNY songs. Yea, they are.

The week before CNY I went back to Muar. I sat by the window inside the ktm looking the trees, cars passed by, looking all the expressions of the passengers, I daydreamed. Everything passed by me so quickly that I couldn’t even see them properly. Just like memory. They flashed through my mind and gone. I constantly think of it, just to make sure I do not forget them. Some are hurtful, some are happy, some are sad. I always remind myself that if I have not gone through the bad experiences, I would not taste the sweetness of life. When I am down without any reason, I just ignore it because the more you think, the more time you waste. I looked back to the time when I cried for someone, that makes me even stupider. Yeah, someone not that important that made me cried. Why I would waste time of my life to even think about them?  

However, words come out from someone that is close to you hurt even more. “道不同，不相为谋” , even sisters may have different personalities. Sisters do not make you have the right to admonish her in front of others. You demanded her to do everything and shouted at her. Because she is your sister. Have you done that to your friends? Let me answer for you. NO.

I understand that sometimes you treat me really good. but, your ‘angin’ personality I cannot understand. It’s fine that everybody thinks that you are the best one amongst us. Even mom and dad think that too. They think I am just selfish, petty, indoor-type and stingy. Okay, I think myself like that too. I just want to be honest. I didn’t felt good the day you treat me like that. Remember the time when CNY when I was about standard 4 or 5, you said something that was really hurt. But, everyone laughed at me and you laughed the loudest. I think they were all very very mean. I couldn’t bear and tears dropped down my cheeks. I immediately went to the bathroom, took off my new dress that I wore and sat in the bath tub, tried to soak in the water to calm myself down. Sometimes, when you treat me really good, this scene flashed through my mind. I asked myself the next second probably you woudn’t treat me like that anymore. So, I tried to enjoy the moment I was treated like your real sister. I wish that there is peace between us because where the hell I annoy you? I do my things, you do your things, yet, you can shout everything towards me, like what I wear, what I do, what I talk, what I buy, what I think and show your despise. I like when someone gives comment about what I do because it makes the better me. But, you embarrased me in front of others. You think it’s funny, but I think it’s hurt. Your straightforwardness does not impress me.

Throwing all tantrums out. Fine. It’s all out.

My temper is not that good recently. Sometimes, I find myself too easily distracted. I treat others not good also.

Change. Change myself.

Update

A little update about myself:

1) My teeth is growing out. It feels weird, the new teeth is like an intruder invades my mouth. I am not getting used to it. I don’t know whether it related or not, my sound changed a little bit like the sound when you sick or get cold or sneezes. Yup, ‘nose blocked’ sound.

The intruder is the third molar which also named as wisdom teeth. But I don’t  grow wisdom at all.

2. Everybody knows this. I am not getting used to my new room. Sort of upset me. Despite hot like steam room, I can hear thousands of bird making annoying sound in my hostel everyday. Fuck the sound. So noisy. If only I can kill all the birds and give them to vietnamese. Not only people stay in hostel, birds too. They don’t have to pay fees but we have to.  Angry so want to paint the words red to express my anger.

3. Miss home badly. I have to talk to someone who understands me well and one that can make me smile and laugh. Right now, there is one. I felt appreciate when she can listen all my sadness and anger. And although she cannot feel as what I feel now, at least I feel better. She is a good listener. *eating while typing this and bite the new growing teeth, I said already, really not getting used to it because I don’t want my face getting squarer. hmph! Since I am in a bad mood, I decided to google ‘happiness’ to brighten up my day.

Happiness

Here are the results:

Many people find the jokes inthis website very funny but i find it is sarcastic and cruel always got blood oozing out..

Why the happiness fairy looks not happiness de

Haha..so cute!

ya, one cannot be too greedy. But not when it comes to shopping.

Ok la, if want to laugh can surf on youtube and chat with someone who appear online on msn. I truly need to laugh.

4. Chinese New Year is coming soon. I am happy to see the all the red things: red lantern, red greeting cards, red cheong sam, red face, red lips, red nails, red clothes and more. definitely not red blood.

Red gives the energetic, happy, jubilant, excited feeling. I usually not excited when the CNY comes.Why? eat, sleep, play and eat, sleep, play. Boring. But, the feeling of preparing food and cleaning house together with family before CNY is much more interesting. I like the ambience before CNY arrives, like everybody is going to celebrate something very happy and hope it arrives soon. It is called ‘期待’ in mandarin. I too have that kind of feeling when I am small. And when it comes, I felt really happy and enjoyed it very much. When I grew  up, I found I took for granted and things don’t come out as what I much expected. I still feel happy after all. Happy because can go home.

5. I feel really weird. What in my mind is a mess now. I want to stop as i do not want to spread the sadness more. Miserable things are more than happy things for me right now. I have to make myself happy again like I used to. wish me.

sometimes

sometimes i loathe myself to bits.

sometimes i love myself for being myself.

sometimes i wonder whether i am insane.

sometimes the way to resolve the problem is a wee bit extreme.

sometimes i just watch horror movie that i do not want to.

sometimes my troubles are

a rotten yogurt

and

a car leaving me behind.

Being alone

Am a little ambivalent. I want to have my private space and do not have to follow others, at the same time, I am not used to being alone. How weird am I huh?

Go shopping alone, from boarding the bus to KTM, from KTM to browse the shop, I do not have someone to talk to. And, when I see a groups of friends giggling happily together, I feel like I am totally isolated. The feeling is unbearable. not that serious, I indulge in self-pity sia..@.@

I manage to observe that not many people like me has the courage to do things alone. But, where do I get my courage from? I also don’t know. Most of the people in the bus are boys, you know, hardly even find one chinese girl, you can spot malay girl, a few also. So, what I mean? The point is not many girls can tahan going out alone despite it is dangerous and it is weird?! Unlike guys, they have freedom to travel alone and guts to do things alone. Nobody want to rape guys bah..Haha.  HAIZ.. Girl a girl..I suddenly want to change to become a guy. I do not throw caution into wind everytime I going out alone. I put my wallet in my pocket safely. I walk confidently like daigodai. My face look like ‘ Hey, don’t come near me, or I will kill you!’. I try not to make eye contact with some weird people eg. the guys like not bath for a year, face covered with moustache, looks like nomad. All those things done to protect myself. Who call me born in this country? High crime rates. Everyday, you read through the newspaper. There is always something surprise for you, like ‘Oooo.. truth can become lies whilst lies also can become truth.’ Murder, rape, corruption, I guess these happen in other countries too, but when compare the statistics, our country wins.

I gantung my heart ‘提心吊胆’ whenever going out alone. Why should it be like that? Blame me for not being a guy or the state of the country? I really wonder.

Current obsession: If I were a boy by Beyoncé

if i were a boy even just for a day
i’d roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what i wanted
and go drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
i’d kick it with who i wanted
and i’d never get confronted for it
’cause they stick up for me
if i were a boy
i think i could understand
how it feels to love a girl
i swear i’d be a better man
i’d listen to her
’cause i know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
’cause he’s taking you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed
if i were a boy
i would turn off my phone
tell everyone it’s broken
so they’d think that i was sleeping alone
i’d put myself first
and make the rules as i go
’cause i know that she’d be faithful
waiting for me to come home, to come home

 
it’s a little too late for you to come back
say it’s just a mistake
think i’d forgive you like that
if you thought i would wait for you
you thought wrong
but you’re just a boy
you don’t understand
and you don’t understand, oh
how it feels to love a girl
someday you wish you were a better man
you don’t listen to her
you don’t care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted
’cause you’re taking her for granted
and everything you had got destroyed
but you’re just a boy

Shopping

I am being calculative. Went shopping and I spent uncontrollably. T.T

 

‘Shut up!’ the other part of my heart says, ‘I spent on the things I need.’ The other part of my heart say, ‘it’s enough, you got to tighten your stomach the following week.’ I felt that giving money and buying something for yourself was an enjoyable one. But, I felt torture when seeing my wallet shrinks like that. No..I don’t want like that. I am spending the money from papa and mama, not myself earn one. Maybe, when I earn money someday, I won’t spend it so easily. Meanwhile, look what I spend on today.

First, the transportation fees which comprises ktm fare and bus fare berulang-alik. Total: RM4.70×2+2=RM11.40

Next, food at sushi king plus service and government tax. Total: RM18.89

Thirdly, shopping at romp. You know what is the feeling when you spot the cloth you had buy is going on a sale and you just realised the difference between prices for a exactly same piece of cloth is BIG! T.T  The shorts I bought not long ago is priced at RM55.90, now the price has slashed to RM28.90. Hmmm…………Ok, this teaches me a lesson not to buy something above RM40 or 30 or..20? I regretted to buy it seriously. I had waste twenty-seven ringgit.

the top for RM18.90

RM15.21

sorry, not the mimi ‘boobs’ , is tidbit. I bought a large packet.

to fill up my stomach, RM15.70

Overall, RM80.10. I won’t go out again.