I <3 polaroids

Here I want to describe about things happen two days before since it had passed midnight 12 already. I am lucky to still survive here. The lightning that almost hit me to death, haha, exaggerate a bit. That day, I went swimming with my friends. All in a sudden without any signs, a huge white light splashed through my eyes. I thought it was because the girls playing with their camera because I saw some malay or indon people took photo in the water with their water-proof camera. But, I was wrong. It was lightning. The lifeguard quickly blew the whistle to warn the people in the swimming pool to come out. I was scared. I think if the lightning hit the water, I would not be here typing all these. The power of lightning was enough to convert me into “chao dao” and “shao jiao” people, with all my hairs standing up. Luckily, I am still here.

Another thing, sst told me that today our house came a guest. She said the guest is ang moh and will sleep in my R….O….O….M!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, my room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How could I miss that? I am not at house so you come. When I am at house…wuwuwuwu T___________________________T  I should take a plane home now. haiya..no need..tomorrow bus also can but I …but  I…how could I ever missed that experience-might-happen-only-and-very-only-once in my life. *emo *emo *emo

Check out this website, pretty damn cool. For the people who love polaroids, this must be the greatest news. www.poladroids.net 

A few of my pictures:

Whole bunch of grapes in my house. The taste is sour haha and the skin of the fruit is thick.

that’s all .goodnight.

I never have such feelings before

I am super duper ambivalent.

I had a chat with a long-lost friend through msn. We were best friend in standard six. How many years we didn’t see for each other? I couldn’t say I miss her because it was so long so long already. Few years after she left to continue her study in Sabah, we still sent letters and photos to each other.

At first, I thought I couldn’t live without her, living without best friend is so lonely. But, her leaving probably left some good impacts to me. I used to stick to her only everyday and did not make friends with others. Then, I started to meet new friends and she slowly began to disappear from my life.

In my heart, I still take her as my very very best friend. As for her, I really don’t know.

In her letter, she told me she had good life over there and enjoyed her life pretty much. She seem like very busy because she was a very hardworking girl and she scored the highest in her class. yay, I can guess how busy was that ….The letter I received was also a photocopy from photostat machine because she had to reply to some of the friends in my class too. I understood her ‘busyness’ although I felt a little sad. However, she sent me a card that she made herself to me on my birthday. I was so happy. I tried to reciprocate. I also made the birthday card myself and sent it to her. Since then, I never received any letters again. I did sent some cards to her like during christmas and other festive seasons. There was no more reply. I guess I coudn’t ask too much from her already.

 That’s all. Our relationship once labeled as ‘best friend’ was a past tense and it never came back or rekindled. Sometimes I have a lot of things I want to tell her, but after I typing all the bla bla- boring-routines-stupid-things, I deleted them all. I just greeted her ‘wish everything is fine over there and all the best’ like a stranger or some people I rarely know. I still undecisive about want her to inform me if she happens to come back to muar. Then, I think again. Yea… I am asking for too much. That’s the end. That’s all, all we can do is only greeted each other, nothing deep topics or conversations any more. She have her friends and I have my own friends. Well, I could not do anything about this. It’s not like I have the ability but I don’t use that and let the things flow like that. We move on and live our life separately. And it’s time for me to let go, let go. Yup, the only thing I could do is let go.

.

.

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she is the one in orange coloured t-shirt.

 

That’s life, isn’t it?

me quote

Frienship is still pretty although it fades very fast.

Watcha doin’

#1

#2 grandma’s glasses

#3 fake spirituality 

This adding photo process took me such long time that I decided not to post all of them. Drained out my patience. Some thing bothered in my mind

1. Where to go after a-level

2. What to study

3. Lazy me

Actually I thought I got a lot of  troubles. But, when I listed them down, little did I know they were few only. I told my pa that my troubles and he said ‘ don’t think your troubles all the times, when the time comes and you will know what to do, so don’t worry. ‘ As I heard his words, it seem like an  invisible, heavy stone that pressing against my heart has been lifted.

some people says because you are young so you can do whatever you want to do, flaunt your talent and take the unusual route, move out of your comfortable zone and explore this world.

It needs courage and perseverance.

I wanna be a …

I wanna be a Model.

Can I ?

Can I?

Can I ?

I like this

People who are in love mostly become attractive,  like Tim who once I found his blog was rather boring because the topics were more or less the same, nothing interesting. But, when he met his true love,  I visited his blog frequently and became one of the blog which I read everyday. Guess is the inner kepo me who want to know other’s private life. Because he talk about how he has changed when he is in love and how insane can he be just to put a smile on the face of the girl he loves. Nothing much I want to say, I found this in his blog and it sounds pretty awesome to me too. is Project 365. I don’t know how the founder of this project got inspired but somehow I am attracted to it.

Nah. told a friend to do this project with you. When you feel like lazy or giving up, the friend’s encouragement may  keep you going. Since I have no camera with me, I would not start this project yet. It sound interesting but who has the time to capture pictures everyday and post them online. Haven’t tried so don’t know yet. Haha..would announce when I start and tell you how I feel about this project.

Aww..

I had a bad yet very real dream yesterday.
I dreamt that I went for A-level exam without any preparation. helo..A-level is important and it holds 50% of the whole paper. So, must score this paper. Because many people says A2 is too difficult. That’s why I have to score very good in a-level in order to pull my A2 paper grade up. It’s frighten me cuz I still didn’t do any revision though it’s just three months away.

Smile

Sometimes I lost myself. Losing myself is not that scary I think. The scariest thing is that I lost the faith and believe in others. I don’t trust anyone. I am completely isolated. I don’t know why since small I am like that. It’s so hard for stranger to have a place in my heart. And, I believe in the bad things. I believe in this reality, what comes out from other people’s mouth not exactly like what they think. That’s the worst thing. Losing faith.

And, I am always pleased to see beautiful friendship.  Frienship without stains, full of sincerity and enthusiasm. That’s one of the things that keep someone going on when a person met the trough. I am enthralled by the post written in their (primary friend’s) blog. I never thought that they would become so mature like now. Once, I feel guys are so childish, all they know are football and beautiful ladies only. Wow..time just flies so fast. The moment I blinked my eyes, all of them was growing and changing dramatically. They made me realised in this reality, there was still care, warmth and support. I learnt from you all.

Friends, in my eyes, they are part of my life. Sometimes, I really wish I can met great friends and have a shoulder to cry on when I am sad. But, I never done my part as a friend. Guess I am not that kind of person who easily express her inner side to others. Yup, difficult to approach me. I am sombong la..o I am very clever (once in primary school, not anymore)..those were the comments I received from my friends.  Then, they said first met you, I thought you very sombomg, but after getting along with you some times, you actually not sombong. I think that’s the reason la…. I tried to make some changes in me, not to look that sombong and smiled often.

You know what happened then?

sure, you wouldn’t know.

 

It’s freaking scary.

 

Here, although this story happened when I was in primary school or secondary I forgot edi la..On one particular saturday, I followed my family as usual going to the supermarket to buy groceries. I was looking at the food I wanted to buy that I did not noticed there was one odd-looking malay behind me. He was pretending like he also wanted to buy things and searching, although his back against my back, but I could feel someone touch my butt. At first, I thought he just accidentally touch and I forgot it easily. But….but…

But….walao..he was following me like a pervert wherever I went, I sort of gone crazy, couldn’t do anything (I did plan to shout, but my face is so thin and too embarrasing) and I rushed to my mom. He still followed me….*.* I told my mom that someone touch my butt, but her respond was ‘ see la…everyday smile at stangers …see la…strangers think that you are that kind of ’shuibian’ woman.’ When I heard this, I nearly cried…where got such mother de..I was so innocent.

My sis overheard our conversations and asked me where was the guy. I looked around and searched him up and down. ( haha ..now i got more people..See if I am only the one who got grabbed..or I will cut off your hands with so many people by my side now.. ) No sign of him, not even shadow..he ran away liao..haiz…my sis then very kepo told my dad. My dad asked “‘Huh? where is he now?” with stern expression on his face. I think if he has a knife, he will chop that man’s hands down. We just answered ‘haiya…gone already la.’ Haha..I tell you the feeling of being protected is A.W.E.S.O.M.E

never smile to stranger anymore ;P

Lunar New Year ‘09

Visiting my guma’s house.  A lot of people said I look similar with my 4th guma (in green and black stripes shirt), some even commented we look exactly the same when compared with the photo taken when she was young.

happy.. XD 

Throwing stone into the mud since there is no water and we can’t throw too far. out of ability..

relatives..as usual..gambling..but why no money on the table..haha actually they wrote on the mahjong paper that who owe who,  then they pay later.

caught habibi (want to be the centre of attraction). miss you, habibi..

I forgot why my head tilt like that when this photo was taken..but somehow it made the photo quite nice, right? tell me right..

lazy to post some more…to be continued.

p/s : I try to increase the number of post labeled with ‘happy’ and i wish more happy post rather than sad one..wish me!

Somebody said i am easily imbalanced

Eating tau fu fa now. after bathing, i wrote this post.

The pictures are reminding me something that make my heart wrenches.

I am like constantly needing other’s approvement or what.

When I see my friend’s describing her best friend in the blog, I whisper to myself, why that person is not me. Why everyone  seem very popular and treating their friends so good while it never occurs to me. Speaking of personality, it’s already a big leap of difference.

Comparison.

Why everyone so like to compare? It’s where all the miserable arises.

Comparison left aside.

We talk about ourselves. I mean myself. Speaking about personalities, my sister and I are very different. She as everybody knows is a warm, lively and positive person. She treats everyone nicely. Mine. I am cold, easily get angry and always negative person. I don’t know why like this. I want to change myself because I hate that living without friends and family that love you. Yup, my sister liked by everyone. To imitate her, I ask what are the values within her that  make her so popular and easily approached.

That is the moment I try to overcome my shortcomings. I try to appear as bright and lively person. But, that’s just not me. I fucking hate myself acting like somebody else. Cuz it’s nauseating. I try to be more moderate. Sometimes when it suppose to be a happy occasion, I will magnify my happiness to make me easier to become a positive person, a smile is a must, when it is normal occasion, I will act normal. Nobody will ever know what am I thinking at the moment.

Suddenly, I hope my change will give me rewards. And when the reward is not given, my heart sinks and I start to think I am doing not good enough, I am too stupid and everybody does not love meeeeeeeeee……………….you must be thinking all these words must be come out from a person who suffer mental illness or imbalanced. This is why I hate the word ‘imbalanced’, the word that describes me accurately. And, I truly scare that I am not loved and abandoned. The rewards are everybody approach me, take initiative to talk with me, think that I am a great person, I have a lot of friends, they all treat me like their best friend and blablabla. Sometimes, I am doing which I think enough for a person to approach me already, yet the person still does not come up to me. Then, I feel really really upset. Well, it’s unfair. somebody has that kind of face that they don’t have to do anything but all people come up to him or her. It’s so easy for them but it’s so difficult for me. So, am i indulging in self-pity now? I don’t like that. My father said, ‘treating friends cannot be too stingy or being too calculative, we should be generous.’ Every word engraves in my heart. Every word stays so vividly in my mind. Every word makes my heart wrench.

I guess I shouldn’t be so focus on the personality that was already with me. Since I can’t change my personality, I think at least I can change the way treating a friend or people. When I finally met the person that can accept me without judging my personality wholeheartedly, that’s when I lay my eyes on him.

I love those people who accept me without judging me!!!!!! I need these kind of people surrounds me.  Or, I am the one who judge people critically. I AM NOT!

p/s: I need more time to recover. And, ACT and NOCO these two brothers like cannot help me this time. I think have to count on on my own antibodies otherwise.  *sneeze