I miss you.

Erm..What am I supposed to feel right now after watching Cape No.7?

The songs are nice. And some of the characters like the old man playing his old and traditional ‘yue qin’, the little small girl who is very good in singing make the movie alive. I love movies like that. Not all the scenes mainly focused on the main character.

Supposed to finish homework before chinese new year. But, eiks…always like that…I am lazy. Why am I such lazy de? 

 

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I always try to find something around me to make me happy.

I guess staring at the handsome guy is also part of it too/ such a perv =.=

Today, I found my root of happiness. A korean guy in my college. He is the only one in the college that can make me stare at him and can’t take my eyes off. Argh….sound like ‘hua chi’, i think I am. Today when I walked to school, he is just behind me and passed by me and he walked so fast that I couldn’t catch up with him and saw him disappear. He made my whole day so happy. I don’t know why. Sometimes people always like to fantasise the people that they do not know and imagine how good and nice are they/I guess it wouldn’t be the same if you walk up and talk to him because everything will be ruined. (or it may not that serious) But, keeping a distance becomes my strategies and used to it. I could not think about the rest of my life, part of me may be regret why I don’t have the gut to tell the person I like that i like him a lot. I will..I will..

 

How’s the korea’s weather now? Is he still wearing the same jacket he used to wear? Is he still carry a big camera and capture pictures with the tourists? I miss the smile from him when I was really down. I miss the moment he stare into my eyes and for a long moment we just looking at each other. I miss he always walk behind me, when I turned back I always saw him and that was the time I am thinking after a week, when I turned back, nothing left, not even shadow of him. That made me so sad that I woke up 6 in the morning staring at the ceiling, didn’t know anything I can do but cried. I tried to create another him in my heart. He indeed became alive again. But not like the past, the one I created talked to me and we converse in korean. He lend me his shoulder and we sat silently by the sea and fell asleep. The next morning I woke up, I realised he wasn’t the real one. Then, in the following months I lost my soul. Tears had become part of my life. The thing is I didn’t know why I acted like that also?

I started thinking that he is married with three little children and live happily ever after. I guess afterall love isn’t that great that they said ‘all you need is love’. I just wish that the ‘past me’ can take the courage and talk with him even just one word.

 

 

OKAY..BULL SHIT POST.

Chinese New Year is coming soon!

I am excited about the coming chinese new year. Why festival can make someone so happy? haha.. It’s gonna be eat and play. I’d love that. I wouldn’t mind if you call me lazy bug. Who says the dongdongchiang song is lame? I think that’s very special about new year song. The songs are played continuosly in the radio, shopping centre and every shop including the hawker centre. Bear in mind. Only in MALAYSIA. Even China or Taiwan does not play the songs so often like M’sia. And, they spread happiness, do they?  I mean good and nice CNY songs. Yea, they are.

The week before CNY I went back to Muar. I sat by the window inside the ktm looking the trees, cars passed by, looking all the expressions of the passengers, I daydreamed. Everything passed by me so quickly that I couldn’t even see them properly. Just like memory. They flashed through my mind and gone. I constantly think of it, just to make sure I do not forget them. Some are hurtful, some are happy, some are sad. I always remind myself that if I have not gone through the bad experiences, I would not taste the sweetness of life. When I am down without any reason, I just ignore it because the more you think, the more time you waste. I looked back to the time when I cried for someone, that makes me even stupider. Yeah, someone not that important that made me cried. Why I would waste time of my life to even think about them?  

However, words come out from someone that is close to you hurt even more. “道不同，不相为谋” , even sisters may have different personalities. Sisters do not make you have the right to admonish her in front of others. You demanded her to do everything and shouted at her. Because she is your sister. Have you done that to your friends? Let me answer for you. NO.

I understand that sometimes you treat me really good. but, your ‘angin’ personality I cannot understand. It’s fine that everybody thinks that you are the best one amongst us. Even mom and dad think that too. They think I am just selfish, petty, indoor-type and stingy. Okay, I think myself like that too. I just want to be honest. I didn’t felt good the day you treat me like that. Remember the time when CNY when I was about standard 4 or 5, you said something that was really hurt. But, everyone laughed at me and you laughed the loudest. I think they were all very very mean. I couldn’t bear and tears dropped down my cheeks. I immediately went to the bathroom, took off my new dress that I wore and sat in the bath tub, tried to soak in the water to calm myself down. Sometimes, when you treat me really good, this scene flashed through my mind. I asked myself the next second probably you woudn’t treat me like that anymore. So, I tried to enjoy the moment I was treated like your real sister. I wish that there is peace between us because where the hell I annoy you? I do my things, you do your things, yet, you can shout everything towards me, like what I wear, what I do, what I talk, what I buy, what I think and show your despise. I like when someone gives comment about what I do because it makes the better me. But, you embarrased me in front of others. You think it’s funny, but I think it’s hurt. Your straightforwardness does not impress me.

Throwing all tantrums out. Fine. It’s all out.

My temper is not that good recently. Sometimes, I find myself too easily distracted. I treat others not good also.

Change. Change myself.

Reach the top post

A shock for me. I have 102 readers on two days ago. The title of the post is ‘update’.  I think maybe this is the so called ‘hot’ keyword. Besides that, I discovered many people type ‘happiness’ in the search engine.

If not, couldn’t be my post so popular. =.=

My homeworks piled up like a mountain already. Yet, I am still surfing internet and relax-ing like no big deal. Is this the symptom of after school holiday disease? no, no..already been a week liao..This is the second week. What’s in my head, me myself also could not figure out.

I am hungry now.

Shopping

SHOPPING !

CNY gives a really good excuse to shop!!! Otherwise, couldn’t be possible all people gather at the shopping centre.

 

Last Saturday, I headed to stt’s place early in the morning. We went to one utama to shop. hehehe..For me, shopping is the best theraphies amongst others. Being a pro shoppers must have certain minimum qualifications. First of all is the powerful 11 transport. Know what I meant?

Is legs.

haha..I think we walked maybe ten kilometres or maybe twenty or thirty??? Comfortable shoes also a must for me. But when you browsing the people in the shopping centre, a lot wear high-heeled shoes. It’s certainly a suffering for me.

Malaysia Mega Sale I thought already ended. No, no, 70%!!! 50%!!!! I can see all of them!

There were big lumps of clothes everywhere. We picked the clothes like ‘lao yu sheng’.  A lot of people. Actually, we wanted  to go to the Old Wing. But it’s weird. It seems like we just circled in the New Wing. Very stupid wei..when we went outside, we saw the Old Wing. At first, the person who went with me who had stomachache and paled face asked me to go to the Old Wing. The clock was already stucked at 10 o’clock sth.  Ka Huey..Haha because she didn’t got to buy a red red new shirt. Such a cerewet buyer. If not the details, the price. If not the design, the fabrics. Haiz..but i think i am also one of this type of shoppers, especially SHOES!! Even my friends, my parents, my siblings cannot TAHAN me when they saw me choosing to buy a pair of shoes.

HAHAHAHAHAHA…I also cannot tahan myself.

The next day went to Mid Valley. So free hor? More people compared to one U. got catwalk fashion show. after dinner, shop a while. Then, we went back separately. one to north, one to south.

About two hours to go back. My legs ached, now still aching.

Break down

No air con makes me want to cry.T_____________________T

I know it sounds so silly to cry over such small matters.

Couldn’t help, tears fall down. I feel so helpless.

Cannot control the noise.

Want to get used to it but cannot.

Why I become so fragile?

Why couldn’t I be more persevere and stronger?

I try to sleep to forget.

failed.

HELPLESS ME!!

I don’t want to sit there couldn’t do anything and cry.

Update

A little update about myself:

1) My teeth is growing out. It feels weird, the new teeth is like an intruder invades my mouth. I am not getting used to it. I don’t know whether it related or not, my sound changed a little bit like the sound when you sick or get cold or sneezes. Yup, ‘nose blocked’ sound.

The intruder is the third molar which also named as wisdom teeth. But I don’t  grow wisdom at all.

2. Everybody knows this. I am not getting used to my new room. Sort of upset me. Despite hot like steam room, I can hear thousands of bird making annoying sound in my hostel everyday. Fuck the sound. So noisy. If only I can kill all the birds and give them to vietnamese. Not only people stay in hostel, birds too. They don’t have to pay fees but we have to.  Angry so want to paint the words red to express my anger.

3. Miss home badly. I have to talk to someone who understands me well and one that can make me smile and laugh. Right now, there is one. I felt appreciate when she can listen all my sadness and anger. And although she cannot feel as what I feel now, at least I feel better. She is a good listener. *eating while typing this and bite the new growing teeth, I said already, really not getting used to it because I don’t want my face getting squarer. hmph! Since I am in a bad mood, I decided to google ‘happiness’ to brighten up my day.

Happiness

Here are the results:

Many people find the jokes inthis website very funny but i find it is sarcastic and cruel always got blood oozing out..

Why the happiness fairy looks not happiness de

Haha..so cute!

ya, one cannot be too greedy. But not when it comes to shopping.

Ok la, if want to laugh can surf on youtube and chat with someone who appear online on msn. I truly need to laugh.

4. Chinese New Year is coming soon. I am happy to see the all the red things: red lantern, red greeting cards, red cheong sam, red face, red lips, red nails, red clothes and more. definitely not red blood.

Red gives the energetic, happy, jubilant, excited feeling. I usually not excited when the CNY comes.Why? eat, sleep, play and eat, sleep, play. Boring. But, the feeling of preparing food and cleaning house together with family before CNY is much more interesting. I like the ambience before CNY arrives, like everybody is going to celebrate something very happy and hope it arrives soon. It is called ‘期待’ in mandarin. I too have that kind of feeling when I am small. And when it comes, I felt really happy and enjoyed it very much. When I grew  up, I found I took for granted and things don’t come out as what I much expected. I still feel happy after all. Happy because can go home.

5. I feel really weird. What in my mind is a mess now. I want to stop as i do not want to spread the sadness more. Miserable things are more than happy things for me right now. I have to make myself happy again like I used to. wish me.

I am so pissed off!

Today is an  unlucky day for me. Everything goes so not smooth. Speaking of that, today is the first day returning to the college to study after one month of holidays. I am kinda slow when it comes to fit the environment. Sad to say that, one month being so relax and hassle-free, no need to bother results or the lonely feeling, then back here, I am so sad. All burden comes back to me. They are so heavy. I wish I can throw away all my troubles to a dustbin and burn them so that they vanish into air. Back to reality, it can’ t be disappeared just like that. I have to make serious decision right now before it’s too late. What am I going to do after pre-u? I am in a swirl of mind. I don’t want to regret after I have studied the subjects I don’t want to study. Better make decisions earlier than simply choose one subject I don’t like in the end and work my half life like a grumpy old woman. I seriously do not want to end up like that. But, my mood now is so not into making any decisions. Ever since I stepped into my current room, my heart sank. You know why?  It’s dirty. All the place is full of spider web. It’s HOT too like a steam room which makes me feel frustrated at anything even a very small thing. Last times, aircon room is closed so I hardly hear noise. Now, when I trying to find some peace, some rude girls at downstairs laugh and talk so loudly and the worker cuts the grass, the machine noise makes me wonder such long holidays, why should he choose this day only to cut the grass. Furthermore, my mom forgot to give me cheque to pay this sem fees. She said I told her not so soon to pay. I totally do not rememberI said that. No one to be blame. Blame the inti management, taylor got send letter stated that how much to be paid for the fees to their student’s parents. inti le? So funny, one sheet of paper stated all the fees given once you enrol here is all you have! Who the hell after half of the year can find that paper, one sheet of thin paper weighs 1g and 2mm thick? So, we can guess the fees, huh? so not systematic. End me up like that and what the heck, one of the friend told me today the atm machine was being repaired and moved to other place.

 What . the . heck .

I got no cheques, no credit card, just an atm card, and you move the atm machine away? When I can only count on to that machine. How to find another one in this suburb area, so kampung (times 100000000000) place. Hey, I dont’ mean kampung is not good. I like kampung very much. But not here at all. Trasportation is a BIG BIG problem. No car, just public bus full of foreigner workers. Even you want to walk , within 3km, nothing here just TREES AND JUNGLES? Ohh, if I can take my money out from the ‘jungle’ machine, I would do it. Now, i hate this place a lot.

the independent and me-time is not for cancers.

I wish to go back to my warm house right now.

How can anyone survive in this place? I wonder. Siao, myself has lived here for half of the year and quite satisfied with it ( it’s an aircon room last times, now no more air-con. I thought it’s very comfortable and hot like sauna can make your skin glows but now I want to burst into tears.)

Whining. whining. feel better after writing them all out?

I missed home-cooked food. I missed habibi. I missed my family. I missed the television.

T_________________________________T